"The Conflicts of Kundalini Class”

Let me tell you- everything about this Kundalini curriculum is ruffling my feathers which I find hilarious and then disturbing too. There are already requests by our teachers that feel invasive and overreaching to me- the rebel in me says "NOPE!" They would undoubtedly tell me this is resistance to change. As I am a person with rather weak boundaries, I have to find where mine belong here.(I was often easily shifted from my truth, allowing others too much influence over me.) While I invite growth and change, I want the changes I make in my habits and thinking to be mine. I feel the things I adopt should be conscious and deliberate- self-chosen and self-driven. I am not looking to be subconsciously indoctrinated but rather taught to work with my inner struggles. The catch is that maybe these are the same things or at least learned in the same way. Aren't our inner struggles mostly subconscious and wouldn't it take some new processing to change old habits? I am reminded of Albert Einstein's “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” Being a hard head rarely helps one to grow. And so I will ponder for my personal decision.

Next, this class is FULL of God talk. Creator, God, Divine- I knew this was a "trigger" for me, but I did not realize how much aversion I have to these things. My beliefs have morphed from one thing to another through the years but despite my ideas about some purpose in this life and even a creator- church and all elements of a religious, dogma-style teaching have a severely negative connotation for me. There is some trauma attached to that, and I have lots of emotional excavation to do to find out exactly what has caused it. So there is another unearthed thing about myself I am left to work out.

I mentioned Sadhana in yesterday's post, and I knew from the get-go that it would be a struggle for me.

Sadhana is a required part of our curriculum. It is a devotional ritual of waking 2 hours before sunrise (or you can do it at 2 hours before sunset. These are the twilight zones, no joke they call them that.) There you sit, on the floor, meditation style, wearing a cotton head cover, to do 2.5 hours of singing/meditation in Sanskrit. WTF? Did I really agree to this?

I have never been so angry about people singing in my life. It cracked me up even when I was that angry because I was so pissed every time a new song would start. My mind was screaming "BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT!!! I could be sleeping right now!" I so wanted it just to be OVER and then the ever-so-pleasant yet never-ending, redundant, foreign language music served only to rake my nerves more. See, the ridiculousness of the whole situation even sounds hilarious when I type it out. I could make a sit-com episode out of my brains reactions to that one thing. Ah, Kundalini.

 It is said in Kundalini that Sadhana is your time of “solitude” to give you a window to your true inner state. We have significant work to do if that is true because I am apparently really pissed off. (AND a room full of people at ass-crack o’clock singing like a severe case of echolalia hardly seems like solitude to me. j/s)

So, if this “Sadhana” is an exercise to teach ourselves the commitment to the good-for-you unpleasant (Think eating kale.) and to remain calm and even find some happiness under seriously uncomfortable circumstances (Think to go to work.) I can see it as a working theory. I prefer my self-derived Sadhana. I believe that is what my late morning workout became. It delivers solitude, commitment, self-care and I even remain happy/calm under difficult exercises/circumstances. I have been doing that for years, so I feel like that type self-work is not new to me although this version certainly is. I am having a difficult time convincing myself this version is of further benefit to me- it just seems annoying right now. On the positive side, I did come home really happy. The cynical brain says, "I guess after a full day of bullshit-torture you are going to be happy to be with your family at home."

If there is any real Kundalini magic, it is this part!!!

 Randy did all sorts of awesome things around the house while I was gone, then he made me organic frozen pizza for dinner and even brought it to me, he listened to my bullshit day story and also rubbed my back. 🙏🙆🙌 Maybe it is the Twilight Zone, and I never came back out!
Last but not at all least. I woke up with an awful headache this morning, my nose is running like crazy, and my head feels like it has way too much brain in it. The flu is going around in the studio, and I believe I just might have been so lucky as to have received it as a gift of weekend one. (I blame lack of sleep!) BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!!!